i just spent the past half an hour on the computer (which i haven't been on for a while) and facebook (which i also haven't visited in a while) looking up people whose lives were once intertwined with mine and now are headed on different paths. looking at where they are and how they're doing makes me happy that they're happy, but it evokes a lot of memories, good and bad, that make me reflect on myself as a person and what i want in life. at that time i was young and naive and ignorant. now i am still young but more aware and i know where they're coming from - i know why they were unhappy. but it still makes me sad that they chose to go down the other path that i can only hope that i will never take.

i feel quite marooned - if that's the right word - with nowhere to go. i cannot foresee myself in the future ever doing what i used to love doing again, and yet, i don't want to head down the other path that seems to be an inevitable choice for everyone who has been at my crossroads. i can only pray that God will make a way out for me, that He will give me the grace to keep fighting this very tiring battle, and that He will show me His will and His perfect plan.

there are days that i can't help but wonder how differently things might have turned out if someone else was me and if i was someone else. but then again i don't think i can possibly imagine myself as anybody else, and even though my life has its share of downs and it's nowhere near perfect - at least i am happy (:

i cut my fringe today! after growing it for 2 years (: my mum went 'what happened!!' to you when she first saw me and then afterwards she said that i looked like a kid but it's okay my dad thinks it's nice yay (: i quite like it because i feel young hehe (:

so many things have happened in this week alone, and so much is going to happen in the next 2 weeks, and i feel so tired and scared and anxious and - but i must not keep thinking about the cares of this world. God is working perfectly, and He's bringing me peace and comfort and assurance in ways i cannot possibly imagine. i'm praying that i can be there for everyone who needs someone to be there for them, and that i can finish my homework on time heh (:

tomorrow is another early day but i think it'll be a really happy one ((:

the way divine sovereignty and human responsibility works out is very mysterious, but at the same time, very wonderful. i was lying in bed last night trying to sleep and when i thought of God and His greatness i couldn't help being thankful that God is God and we are not. God is so perfect, so holy, so just, so good, and what a far cry i am from perfection and holiness and justice and goodness. if i were to be in control of this world i doubt anyone could exist for more than 24 hours. but God is infinite, eternal - He is God. i still remember my sister saying once that it is very intriguing how God can give life to babies, and take away life from various other human beings, and how He intertwines all our lives together - so that we meet people our age, people from older generations and younger generations who are blessings to us and make a difference to our lives. if i were to figure this out for the billions of people in this world i'm pretty sure i couldn't do it even if i had a trillion years to think about it. but God keeps us, every day, every hour, and He brings new people into our lives everyday. what a marvellously infinite God we have! and how good He is. we are so weak and so small, so prone to be scared of even tiny little things like A levels that are really, insignificant in the light of eternity. for what can even our 70 years of life compare to the idea of forever? we don't even know how long forever is. to us it's just going on and on and on and on. but maybe someday when we are in heaven, out of time and earthly space, we will understand.

we are so human, so small. but thank God most of all for His great love that had mercy on us that didn't deserve that mercy. His great love that encompasses our tiny, insignificant selves, and envelopes us in His great eternal plan that He has for us.

i like the track/stadium the best in the morning and in the evening, but i absolutely hate it during PE heh. there is something fascinating about the vastness of it and i love it that you can watch the sky. it's gorgeous at sunrise and at sunset :) and while it can be completely distracting cos it's so cool to watch all the athletics kids train, it is a lovely place to sit down and do work.

i never knew 3 weeks could take this long to pass, and 2 days seem like an eternity away.
but i'm sure the wait is worth it (:

amid the moments here and there i am actually happy (:
and it makes me happy to know that i am happy (:

there are a lot of things that make me sad, make me worried, make me frustrated and make me lose sleep, but matthew 11:28 sums it all up perfectly: 'come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.'
never is there a more comforting promise and assurance that Christ knows what you feel exactly always, and He's always there to help lift the burden.

it feels a little funny, and a little empty, when someone you've been close to disappears from your life. but God is the source of the friendship and the comfort, and there is still joy even in the loneliness.

i keep feeling that it's so hard to get things right, to do what i have to do; my mind wanders so often and my heart is repeatedly distracted. i keep seeing your face, hearing your voice, dreaming dreams about you, but you're not there. strange isn't it, how much you can miss someone.

it's nice to have my sister in the same school as me :) vv nice although i don't see her at all, but there's something comforting about having a blood relation close to you all the time, idk how to describe it but it's warm and simply just nice to be in school together :) the last time we were in the same school was a long time ago, when i was primary 2 and she primary 1! and now for the last year of my formal education i will get to have her again :)

okay back to chem!

i had no idea that it would hurt this much.
but perhaps this is where God is trying to tell me that i have to bring it all to Him, lay it down at His feet, and i know He can and will heal the pain.